The End of Ordinary

Ordinary expressions of feeling become too painful to bear when your child has been abducted.
Days become weeks become months become years, in which it is impossible to enjoy what has been casually if intensely important all my life:  music, movies, poetry, playing a guitar, singing,  writing a song, taking pleasure in seeing children on the train or in the park or street. Sorrow in the ordinary way it is usually culturally expressed becomes an outrageous and  overwhelming thing that can’t be approached or touched, because to do so is to risk searing pain and deep penetrating misery. Sad poem or song? Spririted expression of sympathetic feeling? Others around are enjoying the beauty, simplicity and charm of a child’s voice, his or her smile, warm face, tenderness. The swinging of her feet against the air in front of her seat. The longing look he gives his father and mother from the cave of a stroller. When she turns away or exits the subway car, my insides turn to  fire. I have to grimace inwardly, or bury my face in my hand.

Work can routinely become extremely difficult to do. I cannot express this strongly enough. To have gotten through a work day is an accomplishment of great and intensive effort, now spread over years. Therapies, medical attention. Reading and contemplation.  Fits of brain activity and emotion that are incommensurate with the trudge of the everyday sometimes plague me.  Incongruous responses to ordinary stimulii. There simply are no “ordinary” feelings available any more.

I have taken refuge in reading over the last years, and it helps. I have also written and written, in notebooks and in unfinished blog posts that were supposed to go up here. As of this date, I have 167 unfinished drafts saved.  … 167…  They are probably mostly worthless, but among them are thousands of words in which I’ve been trying to reckon with politics and domination, privacy and security, precarious existence and “governmentality”… My mentors and teachers have been in strong disagreement with each other: Michel Foucault, Wendy Brown, Harry Harootunian, Carol Gluck, Masao Miyoshi, Donna Haraway, Jacqueline Rose, Anne Allison, Karyn Ball, Elisabeth Young-Bruehl, Slavoj Zizek, Bernard Stiegler, Lauren Berlant, Karatani Kojin, Julia Kristeva, Giorgio Agamben,  Adrienne Hurley, Walter Benjamin,  David Harvey, Ueno Chizuko, Bruce Cumings, and so many others. I don’t have the strength to name them all. They are my only saving graces, without knowing how to bring Rui back home.

So today is Thanksgiving, and the first night of Hanukah. I have my family’s menorah but I will light no candles in it without my son.

I am thankful nonetheless, for a handful of friends who have cared enough to pick up the phone, spend time with me, and give me consolation and encouragement.
I hope that one day I can name and do them all justice by producing a study, and a child who is now on his way to becoming quite something else from the boy emerging from the toddler, as I knew him.

I love you Rui.
Daddy

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Posted in Japan Child Abduction | 6 Comments

A Talking Book That Said Your Name (November 16, 2013 – Rui is 8 Years Old)

Yama sleeps overThese three songs are all I can reach out to you with from this helpless place here in New York. Rui, you’re in every dream.  I haven’t forgotten a thing.

This is, for me, a memory of when you were small and we slept side by side.

Graham Nash – Sleep Song

When you were asleep
I was kissing your forehead
You gave a frown
So I kissed you again
You started waking
And put your arms round my waist
Just making sure I was there
Then you drifted away
Then you drifted away

And when I awoke
I found out I’d been dreaming
Some of my bed clothes were still on the floor
I looked around
Realized you were leaving me
I saw the back of your dress
As you slipped through the door
As you slipped through the door

And when I return
I will kiss your eyes open
Take off my clothes
And I’ll lie by your side
Then I will wait
Till The sandman is done with you
And as you sleepily rise
You’ll find I’ll be there
You’ll find I’ll be there

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

How I Became a Pirate

Our childhood days of reading and play together blinked past instantly and  left a lost, bleak, wintry morning aftermath; memories of you, Rui boy, with starlike brilliance are lodged deeply in every thought I have, all days and nights.  My love is fervent and unchanged but the experience of it is now laden with boomerangs – energy in, violence out. To contain this surging emotion each day, passing our favorite parks, moving among parents and their little ones in strollers on trains, knees on bench seats, fingers pointing out windows at clouds and airplanes, high-pitched voices in perpetual curiosity, yearning, and slicing air like knives.

Psychoanalysis says axiomatically that we must always respect the symptom. So the focus of  daily struggle shifts in unceasing movement from one aspect of the project to another. My pain, a bereft parent’s abjection which has to bear a sense of a constant threat that sickens and hangs over Rui and me in his absence. Proliferating psychotechnolgies  reduce him, and cultural conservatism triumphs. Xenophobia, racism, patriotism, neo-nationalism, cultural deprivation, class warfare,  sexism, in the name of unaccountable corporate and governmental power have hindered to the point of arresting the progressive possibilities in the supposedly liberal state practice  through which the U.S. and Japan formally institutionalize the crime of abduction, insluation sealed around Rui.

reading

This is a thought with deep feeling about how strongly I long to restore my daily communication with you.

Lou Reed – A Talking Book

        I wish I had a talking book
        That told me how to act and look
        A talking book that contained keys
        To past and present memories

        A talking book that said your name
        So if you were gone you'd still remain
        More than a picture on a shelf
        In imagination I could touch
        A talking-talking book

        I wish I had a talking book
        Filled with buttons you could push
        Containing looks and sights, your touch
        Your feel, your breath, your sounds, your sighs

        How much I'd love to ask it why
        One must live and one must die

        I wish I had a talking book
        By my side so I could look
        And touch and feel and dream a look
        Much bigger than a talking book
        A taste of loving's future and past
        Is that so much to really ask?
        In this one moment's time and space
        Can our love really be replaced
        By a talking book?

Here is an example, much better, of wise love. These two, singing to each other, stayed married for  20 years. Love, real love, lets you live your emotions without shame and bias. So the hard ones don’t have to ruin you; and the beautiful and deep ones can be released, and course through you, into an other.

For you Rui, my loved son.

Lou Reed – Hang On To Your Emotions

When your imagination has too much to say
When the chill of the night meets the sweat of the day
And you have trouble understanding what other people have to say
You’d better
Hang on to your emotions
Hang on to your emotions

When a demagogue inside your head has taken charge
And by default what you say or do is criticized
And this litany of failures is recited a thousand times
You’d better
Hang on to your emotions
Hang on to your emotions

Could it be you’ve never felt like that
That your mind’s a cage inside the cage of  a cat
That spits and scratches all it can get at
And that’s you and your emotions

Could it be you’ve never felt like that
Your mind’s a cage inside the cage of a rat
Rabidly trying to get at you
And your emotions,
You and your emotions

When your imagination has too much to say
When that facile voice inside your head says give your life away
You might think to ask – how it got that way
What books it has read – that make it that way
And where it got the right – to speak to anyone that way
You’d better
Hold on to your emotions
Hold on to your emotions

When a night city’s breeze blows across the room
And a 5 am moon and sun start their swoon
You hear your lover’s breath
And not a moment too soon
You get to

Release all your emotions!
you get to
Let go of your emotions, and now you
Release all your emotions,
You’d better
Let go of your emotions

Release, I wanna let go
I wanna release, now!

Posted in Brian Prager, 誘拐犯, Japan Child Abduction, Machiko Terauchi, Ohnuki Kensuke Child Abductor, Parental abduction, Parental Alienation, Rui Prager, Rui Terauchi, 寺内るい, 寺内真智子 | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Somewhere

Rui kiss 1

reading

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we’ll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

There’s a place for us
Somewhere a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere
There’s a time for us
Someday a time for us
Time together with time to spare
Time to learn, time to care
Someday, somewhere
We’ll find a new way of living
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere
There’s a place for us
A time and  place for us
Hold my hand and were halfway there
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
Somehow
Someday
Somewhere
Rui & Cake


							
Posted in Japan Child Abduction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

“The Damage to the Child and the Left Behind Parent is Incalculable and Lifelong.” Sean and David Goldman International Child Abduction Prevention and Return Act of 2013 Sent to the House.

“Parental child abduction is child abuse. These victims are American citizens who need the help of their government when normal legal processes are unavailable or fail.”

H.R. 3212, Sean and David Goldman International Child Abduction Prevention and Return Act of 2013

H.R. 3212, To ensure compliance with the 1980 Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction by countries with which the United States enjoys reciprocal obligations, to establish procedures for the prompt return of children abducted to other countries, and for other purposes.

The hearing begins shortly into the 7th minute of the clip, at 9:35 a.m.

You can also watch the hearing here:
http://foreignaffairs.house.gov/markup/markup-hr-3212-sean-and-david-goldman-international-child-abduction-prevention-and-return-act

Please lend your support. Write and call your Congressional Representative, and demand that they support this bill, which provides enforcable mechanisms to bring about the return of internationally kidnapped children. We cannot recover our children without public outcry.
Rui Grad 2
Rui – Missing in Japan since June, 2010, with no help from the U.S. or Japanese governments.

Posted in Brian Prager, 誘拐犯, Japan Child Abduction, Machiko Terauchi, Ohnuki Kensuke Child Abductor, Parental abduction, Rui Prager, 寺内るい, 寺内真智子 | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment