For Rui Boy

November 2016

Dear Rui,

I walked today – as I always do – past the park where you and I were once locked in and let out by the NYC police that night. Do you remember that? We were so deeply into lying on the canvas net at the top of the jungle gym, looking  up at the stars, that we didn’t notice that the park was closing. It was a little scary to be locked in, but I held you and we waited until they came with a torch to cut the gate chain.

From there I walked to the train, same one where I carried you; and going past, there were so many mothers and fathers and beautiful kids of New York who were like you riding with mamas and daddies to their homes. I had the same daydreams I have always had; but each time they are- I swear to you -aimed more poignantly – sharply  at my heart – than the time before.

I am aware that you are passing the milestone of now 11 years since the day I first held you; your entry into the world in 2005.  It’s so sad and absurd to tell you from this huge distance how much I long for our old -and now distant to you- love between us.  Father and son.

I hope you are happy today, Rui. I hope that you have around you people who actually love you, and that the days we have lost have been compensated somehow by real people, real people who want more of you than your pretty face, your school-day achievements, or your private, quiet collaboration with their secrets.

I am unable still to discover your hiding place, even though it may no longer be as well hidden as it was before. Write to me, and I will know.

Happy Birthday Rui-kun.

Listen to these New York City school kids. This is where you were supposed to grow up; with kids just like these.

I’ve told the truth,
I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid.
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more